Coversations with Mage
Mage: I am vetoing this conversation.
me: HA! That's your one allowance for the day. You've used it up.
Mage: No omg. I didn't know there was a limit. How do I earn more?
me: I don't know. You also put tits on my dash...Dude. I just don't know.
Mage: Oh my god but they're great tits.
me: That's true. But it's the principle of the thing.
Mage: Fine, I'll reblog some cocks. SIIIGH I can repay you in blowjobs.
me: Awesome. You're steadily redeeming yourself
Mage: How many cocks do I have to produce to get back into your good graces.
me: What a dangerous question.
Fic: Blindsided (Bruce + Dick)
M, It is with the greatest respect (and with humble thanks to Moneypenny and other agents for their input) that I present to you this gift. Your presence in our little corner of the universe is always a source of happiness, your contributions an endless delight. May your creativity continue to flourish for many years to come, in this fandom and in any other projects you pursue. Please enjoy. ...
Anonymous asked: Umm, Mr. Black, if I drew a picture based on one of your fics, how would I go about getting it to you? If you wanted to see it, that is. (I read all of your Earth 82 fics the other day and I've been inspired by them. <: )
The art of constructive criticism
Neko: hey. tell me what you think of this sketch.
Me: I like it. But Bruce looks a little, uh, big.
Neko: well that's because bruce *is* big.
Me: Yes, but this time I'm not talking about his cock. I'm talking about his chin.
Neko: ...alright. oh, hey. you're editing, right? did you put dick in clothes yet?
Me: You know...your failure to use capitalization when we chat really fucks with my sense of reality.
tea: it's kind of amazing how far things have come for us, huh? those of alternate sexualities, i mean.
Black: Yeah. You couldn't pay me to relive the '80s and '90s. Nu-uh. No way. But you'll really know things are better when they universally teach queer history and literature without censorship or consent forms.
tea: totally. but with all the advances that have been made in such a short time, when do you think there'll be 'gay history month'?
Black: Bitch, we're too fabulous to confine to just one month.
callmejase: So Alfred is trying to help me with english. He say’s if it end’s in S i should use one of them thing’s that look’s like a comma but isnt. It’s like a apolstery i think. So’s im ma call it a flying comma until we do english again because it’s easier to spell than aoppolsterie. I hate english. All these words just make it so hard… JT Dear Jase T. from New York, Please never...
stripedpawz asked: You should totally write more batman/flash fic ^_^ also.. Hotchner/Reid.. how does that work?
perfect-tea asked: a-m-b-i-d-e-x-t-r-o-u-s-l-y. you're playing now, troll. ; )
Anonymous asked: Hey, Doc! Don't get too much tea er nothin cuz that could suck to. There was this time i was training and i totaly snarfed like a galoon of water. Talk about copulated amounts of liquid, huh? My nose burned for hours. Anyway, It;s better to feel good before you wrok and I aint going no were cuz i'm on bedrest to and I'm patience. Your doin me a favor by givin advice sos i aint in...
Anonymous asked: Hey Mr. B! Saw you was sick. That totaly sucks ass. Feel beter, man. Bein sick is balls. - Jase T. New york
Apparently, making sex jokes with the Justice...
Followed by Dick having awkward, sex-related conversations with Bruce.
Phone calls from D
D: Hey, want to meet up after work? I have an early shift today.
Me: Aw, sorry, I can't. I'm not actually at work--I took a sick day.
D: Well...I'll bring you some soup, then. I'm sure I can find something 'suitable for vegans' between here and home.
Me: *laughs* I told you it doesn't need to be vegan.
D: I know. It's just easier for me. I'll be there around six.
Me: What? No! You can't come here. You can't see me like this.
D: Why? You go from Mogwai to Gremlin when you're sick?
Me: No, I go from distinguished to diva. I'm serious. You can't come over. I won't let you in.
D: You gave me a key, remember?
Me: Then I'll lock myself in my room and you'll be forced to deal with J. All by yourself.
D: You think that'll stop me? I've dealt with his kind before. It all comes down to a simple question.
Me: Yeah? What's that?
D: Blue or pink?
Me: ....six you said?
D: Sharp. With something suitable for vegans.
Top 10 things I love about 'The Batman'
Generally, allergies aren’t something I really need to think about during this time of year in this part of the world; however, due to an unseasonably mild winter, I’ve been under attack for the better part of the week. As I can’t go more than five minutes without sneezing (I wish that was an exaggeration), I’ve taken a sick day. I couldn’t sleep last night so I...
Conversations with Neko
Me: I'm totally miserable.
Me: Yeah. It's this mild weather--it's doing me in. I have things I need to work on but I can't get past this forced lethargy.
Neko: hey, remember that episode of supernatural where they were in michigan or minnesota and they were sacrificing to pagan gods for good weather?
Me: Are you implying someone in our area is pulling that shit?
Neko: if the shoe fits...
Me: So what you're saying is I need to find this pagan god....
Neko: and kill it. yeah.
Submission: Oh my gosh, Alan! That was just the sweetest thing! I am forever going to think of my allergies as ninjas now and Tim! You’re just too cute and oh holy cheezeits, I feel like I could be him right then. What with a move I’m looking forward to, but if my allergies act up, I will POUT like it’s nobody’s business. And hah, I could probably use a hug now that I...
clio-clover asked: So I really would not normally ask this, but I've had a stressful couple of weeks with failure at work, family issues, and ending with a ticket. Some of my friends thought it'd be a great idea to let me get drunk last night for Mardi Gras. So now I'm at work, vaguely hung-over, missing the two people in my life I go to for comfort and cuddles, and in need of some serious smiles...
Seriously, I don't deserve this guy.
Last week I went to get my eyes examined. It was long overdue and I had a little bit of cash squirreled away for just such an occasion. I went more for new frames than anything else; I was pretty sure my prescription hadn’t changed much, but my frames had taken a serious beating over time and, as D put it, I was taking the Harry Potter look a little too far. We made kind of a date of it...
Well, hell. I guess it's getting serious.
Occasionally, D calls me at work and occasionally I’m free enough to be able to talk. Today was one of those days. “Hey, baby. What are you wearing?” I laugh and look at myself reflexively. “The same thing I wear everyday, Pinky.” “That’s hot,” he says. I can tell he’s close to laughing, but does a bang up job of not letting it ruin his...
Title: Tolerance Author: Alan Black Setting: Earth 82 Pairing: Bruce/Jason Warnings: R. language. Notes: I’d been meaning to edit this for awhile now, as I’ve had it roughed out for weeks. As Bruce Wayne’s birthday is on the 19th, I thought it could pull double duty and be my contribution. It’s my humble opinion that he would rather give on his birthday than receive....
For Alan Black~
clio-clover: Title: ??? - Working on that. Summary: This is where a summary would go if I had any idea what to put here other than my goals were Patches and putting Jason in a dress. Everything else? I have no idea where it came from. Notes: So I feel like I should explain my attempt at cobbling together characterization for everyone in this. Because the only thing I’m going to apologize for...
Here be smut.
For Mage. Because censorship sucks. ;) “Maybe I want you to ask for it,” Jason drawled, his breath hot on Damian’s ear. The boy swallowed, tossed his head, and glared. The man pushed his hand deeper into his brother’s tight ass, fingers slick and skilled, moving the smaller body forward, making him struggle to maintain balance on all fours. “Come on, little...
It has been brought to our attention that the asks you’ve been sending us have not reached their destination. It was not our attention to ignore your requests. As a sign of good faith, please accept this rash of amazing luck. We will endeavor to be more expedient in the future. Yours sincerely, The Universe
My day has been made.
For now, I must return to work. But there will be celebrating later. I’m declaring an impromptu day of Bruce and Jason.
Fic Commission: Repercussions
Title: Repercussions Author: Alan Black Pairing: Dick/Roy Setting: The Dick ‘n Roy Show Request: 2000 for Bruce making Dick squiiiiirm like you just know Bruce does sometimes because, well. Dick’s funny when he’s twisting about getting lectured by Bruce. Word count: 2908 Notes: This fic has been brought to you by Jae. I think I may have had way too much fun with this. (I...
Excuse me. My geek is showing.
If you’re a fan of Stars Wars and can laugh at yourself and the industry, I offer this amusing article for your consideration. It was really the ‘no goddamned backflip swordfighting’ that had me laughing so hard I was turning heads.
The words 'starving artist' are a lot more poetic...
perfect-tea: [look at high res here.] in an effort to pay the rest of my february bills and make it to march [when i’ll have work again], i’d like to offer a few portraits in miniature for sale. and even if you can’t spare any change, a retumbl to help spread would mean a lot. ^_^ if you’d like to collect these cuties, please get in touch with me: email@example.com you can also see more...
Anonymous asked: Dear Mr Black, I was recently killed and had to spend some time in heaven. I've gotten better, but I found out that while I was gone this friend of mine tried 99 times to clone me, and then he tried again! He also pursued a relationship with the girl I'd been dating, and changed his work uniform to one that reminded him of me. When I came back, he hugged me in public for a long time. ...
Smooth, Alan. Real smooth.
“I warned you I was cynical about this ‘holiday’.” I don’t put the word in actual quotes, but it’s evident by my tone what I think about its usage. “Yes,” D agrees. “Though, for the record, I didn’t ask you out because it’s Valentine’s. I did it because I wanted to go out with you.” My eyes narrow. I’m not...
clientsfromhell: Hi, I’ve just printed out the website and it didn’t work too well. The graphics are all over the place and the links don’t work. Can you look into it, please? Thanks, A Client From Hell
Dear Clueless Client,
Do you time travel? Because everything—and I mean everything—is stamped with the last time this thing was updated. (October 3rd, 2011) Were you afraid you’d forget? (15 Nov. 2005) Or was it a message to your future self so you could keep things situated? (Jan. 23rd, 2004—what is consistency?) I’m seriously interested. (3-5-13—and what was this?! I was...
On a day like today, it can only be Muddy Waters.
Dear clueless client,
You are paying me to introduce your website to the twenty-first century, yet you are stonewalling me at every turn. Believe it or not, when you ignore the fifteen specific questions I email to you for clarification, you’re only hurting yourself. It makes me work twice as long and twice as hard—I know kids today are a class above the rest, but they didn’t teach mind-reading back...
I realize this is new for you. This is new for me, too. Generally speaking, this isn’t where we find ourselves when I write you. Admittedly, you’re usually with Jason. (Most times, actually.) So this fathering thing is uncharted territory for both of us. But can we pretend just for tonight that Batman’s all about teamwork? You’ve done it before. You have a growing...
So once upon a time, I got a question from someone over here asking if my fiction was archived at a place other than LiveJournal. I know that many fanfic writers have multiple accounts (like LJ and Dreamwidth) but I honestly don’t have the time to keep up with more than the one I have, so I never diversified. A few months back, I casually mentioned it to friends of mine (as the asker left...
Play Date - [Fanfiction]
chifuyu: batboysfanfiction: Title: Play Date Chapter: 1 (of 2) Pairing: Conner Kent/Damian Wayne - implied Dick Grayson/Damian Wayne and Conner Kent/Tim Drake Rating: K Warnings: Hints of slash to come, some snarky banter, a bit of crack, nothing outrageous Word Count: 3015 Comment: So I promised Alan fanfiction, like a million years ago and he chose Conner/Damian as the pairing. So I...